there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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