I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
