I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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