I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
