Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
