I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
