he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
