She is in my trunk
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
