My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
