My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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