I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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