no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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