woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
