Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
