My liver just broke up with me...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
