nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
