The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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