I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i think i have herpe
just one?
We got so high we made milksteak
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
