Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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