I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
there is puke in my bra ... again
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