If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
