meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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