I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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