I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
