Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
