Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
