It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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