She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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