If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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