I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
