On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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