overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
