I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
