Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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