Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
