As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize