She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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