They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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