My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
