a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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