totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
