I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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