god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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