Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
