my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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