like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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