Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
