I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your cock deserves a montage
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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