I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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