So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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