If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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