Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
