Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
