dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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