I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
