my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
