Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
