I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
