Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I could make wine with my vomit
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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