At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
