I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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